Would I Rather
by C. C. Snow
Summary: It's been a tough time for both Raleigh and Iris since the accident. Iris is crashing down and Raleigh knows it. Was Raleigh's suicidal act just some desperate move to get out of his misery? Or was it a result of everything Iris had become? Could it be that things had ended differently? Here, Raleigh tells the tale.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N**__. I own absolutely nothing. This is still in progress. I'm new at this kind of stuff so I'm going to need A LOT of reviews from you guys. Don't worry, I have an open mind._

* * *

**Would I Rather**

**Chapter 1**

It's Thursday morning. Iris is at the table with her calculator, a pen, and some papers which I assume are my laboratory and consultation fees... again. I just finished my third cycle of chemotherapy last week and like always, my sister had busied herself managing loans, debts, bills, and god knows what more stuff it is that involves money.

As I approached the kitchen, I turned my back on her without saying anything, facing the counter to make some breakfast out of wheat bread. The truth is I'm starting to get tired of always seeing her stressed like that.

"I can make you some eggs if you want." She finally broke the morning silence.

Oh dear. Here she goes again – catering to me like I'm three years old. It's not that I'm getting annoyed by the fact that she treats me like one, no. I'm actually very much appreciative of it, really. But sometimes she does things a little too much especially in taking care of me. I mean, I have Leukemia and I already lost my hair but I can still change clothes myself! Iris really needs to lay off a few babysitting chores off her back. This is all just too much for her.

"Yeah and I'm 16, I can make them too." I told her monotonously – still not facing her. Then between us, there was again – silence.

"I'm going to go back to the clinic for a little while today. Will you be okay here alone?" Iris said sweetly. Somehow though, I didn't like the sound of it. Probably it was because of the "c" word I'm sick of hearing.

"Something wrong?" I nervously asked but trying my best not to sound anxious to her.

"No. Uh, Doctor Barden thinks that he can help us cut some of the costs." She sounded more positive this time.

Out of curiosity, I finally turned to face her. "How?"

"I – I have no idea." She piled the papers back into an envelope and finally stood from her seat. "But I'll find out." She said excitedly before heading to get dressed. It didn't take her more than ten minutes to get to the car and drive off.

Well great. That means she'll be out far from the bills for a while. Finally, my morning is starting to light up just by thinking about it.

I'm alone again in this melancholic house but I kind of like it. I can temporarily forget about my illness and the debts that Iris has to worry about because of it. These are the times when my mind has this little freedom to wander. My face can window the thoughts inside my head and no one will notice. No one will question it or confront me about it. And that's fine for me, since every time I'm around Iris, it seems like I have to act like I'm made of steel or pretend that I'm doing emotionally okay with all this. It's the least I could do for everything that she has done for me.

I sat by the porch after making myself a sandwich. Then here I went again doing what I'm great at: thinking. It's a growing hobby of mine, ever since things got pretty bad in our family. It's my way of staying by my worth. Thinking back, thinking about now, thinking '_what if_,' thinking '_would I rather_...' - I like doing all sorts of thinking. My most favorite though would be playing _'Would I rather,'_ but it's too early for that right now. I often spare about an hour for it before bed at night. At this time of the day I guess I'll challenge thinking back again. Yes, it's a challenge because everything grows more terrifying every time I look back; the events more vivid, the details much finer, & the sensations more scarring.

* * *

**10 months ago...**

"She's really not coming home." Mom said with full disappointment after a phone call with Iris. She walked about my hospital room back and forth, her face obvious of her longing.

"It's okay dear. She's in college. Iris is probably really that busy to leave Georgia. I'm sure she'll find time to pay us a visit after the holidays." My dad, the _glass-is-always-half-full_ type, comforted my mom.

"It's been four months since she's been here, Will." Mom finally sat down. She leaned in to rest her head upon her hands in surrender. "I miss her."

Dad went over to her. "I know Kate. I do too. And-"

"She hasn't called in a month!" She interrupted. "I mean… we still talk over the phone but," she realized the exaggerated sense that she said. "Do I always have to be the one who makes the dialing? I don't know, Will. She's way farther from us this time."

Mom and Iris have this special bond. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought of the possibility that I'm adopted. She gives her everything she asked. Although I know that I'm loved just as much, Iris always has the slight edge. And here's my mom right now - freaked out by the fact that she gets to talk to Iris these days only twice a week (apparently a big deviation from the usual four times).

Mom and dad's conversation got cut for a while when the nurse knocked in to give my anti-emetics, or as I call it - my_ puke-gatekeepers_. They're the only ones that make sense on every chemo. The rest is just some liquids _'destined'_ to make me better.

"Hey, just because Iris can't come to us for Christmas, doesn't mean we cannot go to her." Dad smiled at his _'Eureka!'_ moment.

Mom lifted her head – curious of what dad got to his head. "What? Wait, what do you-"

"If we leave at noon, we'll be in time for a Christmas Eve dinner at Georgia! Then we can spend the night at a nearby hotel and drive back here at dawn for Christmas day!" My dad's eyes were as wide as a happy puppy and his smile couldn't get any higher than it already was.

Mom seemed to be accepting his idea but she worriedly shook her head. "What about Raleigh? He'll be alone here at the hospital." Wow, my name magically turned up.

"No." She shook her head. "Um, I really want to see Iris but-"

"Mom, I'll be fine." I interrupted her. "I'm sure Iris would love to have you come over." I'm really glad that dad came up with this plan. Whatever it is that Iris is so busy about, I know that she's feeling lonely as well.

"You sure, kiddo?" Dad walked over to me. "We could just, you know – set up the laptop, log into _Skype_ and all that."

"No dad, it's okay. I'll be okay. It's just for a night, right? I can manage." Dad sweetly smiled at me while brushing a thumb on my left shoulder. "Plus, if you put up with _Skype_ I'm sure Iris will just come up with another excuse to showcase her unavailability." I teased.

Mom chuckled. "Alright then." She got up to walk over. "Sticking with the plan, we better get going."

She turned to me, "Raleigh honey, do you need anything else before we go?"

"Tell Iris I'm still looking forward to my swimming lessons that she promised two summers ago." I smiled upon bringing it up to the surface. "That is, if her college fats hasn't made her heavier for pool water." I laughed. "Tell her that for me."

* * *

**Present time…**

My Christmas Eve was peaceful that night. I was alone but it was soothing. Then when I didn't get a visit from my parents the next morning, off-putting thoughts started invading my head. I kept on convincing myself that they probably just enjoyed Iris's company that they decided to extend their stay. But when a red-nosed and puffy-eyed Iris surprisingly walked into my room later that afternoon, I fought off what was left of my positive spirit and actually believed there is trouble.

She immediately went over for a tight mourning hug and cried. It took me a couple of _'Iris, what's wrong?'_ interrogation and a lot of back-rubbing on her before she finally had the sense to tell me that our parents got into a car accident.

* * *

**10 months ago…**

Iris pulled back from the hug and said that she learned about it through a phone call from the police. "I was… about to get up m... My seat to start my pres... sentation in… in class when… when… I received it and-," she said in between sniffing. I could feel a barrel of tears pooling in my eyes.

Iris took a few deep breaths before continuing. "And suddenly, everything shot into dim and I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I ditched my report, went straight to my dorm and cried endlessly. Raleigh they're gone. I don't know what to do. I feel like I let them down. I didn't come home for the holidays, I'm really sorry Raleigh. I wish I could-"

"Shhhh Iris. No, it's not your fault." I drew her back into a comforting hug. The barrel of tears that were held in my eyes lost control and started flooding down my face. "Iris, it was an accident. It's not your fault. Don't do this to yourself."

We were in that hug for a while - no words, just us seeking comfort in each other's presence.

"I enrolled in a few more classes this semester that's why I still had academic activities yesterday." She said in a calmer version of herself. "I know I hadn't been reaching out to you guys lately and I'm such an ass. Mom and dad didn't like it-"

"Iris, please." I begged as I found myself crying a lot more. "Look, they missed you and they just wanted to see you for Christmas that's why they planned to drive over and spend a night with you. They-" I got interrupted when she suddenly pulled back from the hug wearing a _'What are you saying Raleigh?'_ expression.

"They were… driving to Georgia? To me?"

"I- uh," With all her apologies earlier, how come she still didn't know that they were driving to her dorm? "Iris, I- I thought you knew. Yes, they planned to surprise you for a simple dinner."

* * *

**Present time...**

And here it goes again – Iris's point of devastation flashing back into memory. I regretted it so much that I mentioned it to her at that particular time. Just when I assumed at the moment that Iris couldn't get any more hurt because of what happened, I had pushed her way over the line and into an ugly realm of deeper self-inflicted pain.

And it has changed her forever.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**_**_. _**_I own absolutely nothing. Leave reviews and I'll be forever in your debt._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Minutes later, our car pulled over in front of the house. Wow, it took her only an hour. That was fast.

As Iris walked towards me, I kept trying to read her face and body language but they weren't giving me anything.

"What did Dr. Barden say?" I inquired – seeming like I don't give much damn but secretly hoping for something.

She stood still right in front of me and let out a deep sigh. She shook her head before telling me, "It was nothing… Just some weird offer that I became immediately uninterested in." She smacked her lips to my cheek before heading inside the house.

My eyes are fixed on a distance. My mind started to panic a little because I lost track of what I was thinking. I took notice of our car. The doors are already smooth and the whole thing was re-painted in black but in my head, I could still trace the damages of the accident. In vivid memory, I could still sketch the scratches over the insurance renovation.

Back then, I had long thought that my worsening illness was the culprit of all my misery. But it wasn't until this year that I realized it wasn't. It is what has become of my sister after the accident.

Before I could rush to another thought, I felt a hand tap my shoulder. "Raleigh, come on. The results are coming out today."

"Results?"

"Yeah... For the transplant thing?" Iris said with a smile.

"Oh, right." I stood from my seat and grabbed a sweater.

Before I got discharged last week from the hospital, Dr. Barden informed us of my urging need for a bone marrow transplant - just another strong indication that I'm not getting any better. The effect of the news though wasn't on me but on my sister. We barely survived the last nine months and here comes some more grand demanded from us. Iris immediately asked Dr. Barden if she could donate, since we're siblings. He said that it is indeed a possibility but not a guarantee. Iris then requested that she be tested at once to speed up the pacing of events.

It wasn't a matter of giving it a shot. She had herself tested thinking that there's no way she couldn't be a match since we are biologically related to each other; we came from the same blood and flesh. It was purely Iris's logic that led her to that decision.

I've always known my sister as someone who will never have the guts to take any leap of faith. She's the _'glass-is-always-half-empty'_ type. She dislikes the unknown for she cannot bring herself to bet on the positive. Iris can be defined by the sure ball that she always preferred. And though it may seem that someone as pessimistic as her cannot be capable of handling reality, Iris knows very well where to search for invincible will. Even if the _'known'_ is as ugly as pain, if she wanted it to happen, she'll make it happen no matter what. She will survive it with an iron will – god knows where she gets it from.

We arrived at _McKazee's Diagnostics_ in no time. Iris's foot kept on tapping a happy rhythm while we sit waiting for the staff to retrieve our papers.

"You're smiling." I told Iris sounding confused, rather than glad.

"You say that as if it's illegal for me to do so." Iris joked. Wow, someone's in a great mood suddenly.

"It's been a while since you wore a smile that actually meant something." I kept on a serious look.

"Yeah? And what is it telling you now?" She mocked – still smiling.

_This one, Iris, is telling me of your satisfaction brought about by the fact that whatever your master plan is, it's working._ If I say it to her face, she'll go quizzical and unless I present her graphs and charts to make it all crystal clear to her, she won't stop bugging me about it.

"Got into a new job?" I asked instead.

"Kind of… Yes." She answered.

I said nothing in return and instead, stared right into that pair of blue eyes she got from our father.

Her eyes widened and lost the ability to stare back at me steadily. "Raleigh, I know you have hundreds of stares. What is this you're throwing at me?" She sounded like I could chew her into pieces at any moment with my stare.

"This would be me doubting you by your answer to my question." I sneered at the reaction I'm getting from her. It surprised me that I enjoy scaring my sister.

"Alright, fine!" She let out a sigh. "It's not really a job for me yet. I mean – I had the interview two days ago and the manager sounded so promising… I'm a pro at handling people, Raleigh. You know that. I think… I nailed that interview with my résumé and some ass-kicking answers."

Iris is being Iris – always accounting the good stuff on her actions and never on blind faith.

She brushed a hand through her wavy blond hair. "Suddenly," She looked up and wandered her eyes as if a lot of good possibilities flashed side by side before her. "Suddenly, I'm steering my way to a job that will actually spell _f-u-t-u-r-e-m-a-n-a-g-e-r _all the way."

"Uh-uh. Iris, you do know that before you maneuver your way to promotion, you first need to get a job that is _s-t-a-b-l-e_, right?" I scoffed. "Before you started selling sausages and sandwiches at _Sans Ville Diner_, you swore me _Starbucks_ then after two weeks, you got your ass _f-i-r-e-d_."

"The old man was being a jerk when he barged into the owner's office complaining of how I gave him hot cocoa when he ordered for a cup of mocha. That damn customer accused my hearing sense as faulty and I simply stood up for myself. I know what I heard. He was being an _a-s-s-h-_,"

"Asshole... Got it." I interrupted her spelling as it started to annoy me. "You still got fired, though." I teased.

She poked me on the cheek and the next thing I knew, my sister and I were having fun holding a little horseplay in our seats. I finally had a good grip on her ear, locking her head on my lap while trying to tickle her when - "Number 462!" The woman at the counter called out. We came back to our senses and got up.

Do you want to know what happened next? One word: _silence_.

* * *

The trip back home seems to be taking a lot longer than going to _McKazee's_. It's probably just the rush hour traffic. Everything is going like I am in some sort of film montage – no words, just slow motion and a sad song playing in the background.

Iris is quiet in the driver's seat. The radiant smile and the merry tone of her voice when she was speaking about how she nailed the job interview – now all gone. Her face now casts this anger that says something like _'I fucking failed my mission and now the private investigation agency I work for will kick me out because of it.'_

I could feel her self-inflicted pain – not the _private investigation agency_ thing in plain sense, but the metaphor of it. She counts her success rate as ninety-nine percent. Today just happens to be the one percent when she wanted something so bad but fell short. I could feel myself hurting as she detested herself more and more with each minute passing by. We're both trying to endure a knife in the chest. Mine is just a slower suicide.

I couldn't handle it anymore. Before Iris could hit the final gust of air into the balloon to blow me up, I broke the silence. "You mad at me or something?" I inquired as if I have no clue of what the hell is going on.

"Why would I be mad at you?" She glimpsed at me as I intruded her focus on her driving. "I thought I would be a match. I feel like I let you down."

There, - my thoughts exactly.

"You can't always be the hero." I finally confronted her about it. "Sometimes you have to let go."

"Like – let go of you?" She replied instantly.

_Close, Iris. Very close. Not what I had in mind but – close._ Why didn't I think of that anyway - letting go of myself? Some self-harm, huh? But I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I can't imagine the effect it will have on Iris.

"It's not your fault, Iris. Doctor Barden said that siblings may not be a match and it's normal." Now I couldn't look at her. I fixed my eyes on whatever sight there was by my window.

She didn't say anything and I took it as my chance to shoot it all up in her face. "You're pissed right now because you think you were so close at finally doing something noble… as if quitting college and selling doughnuts in the highway weren't heroic enough."

"So what are you trying to say?" I garnered more hate in her voice when she spoke.

"Not all bad luck has something to do with you, okay?!" It startled me when I realized how my voice unintentionally raised itself. I took a deep breath to return to calmness. "Iris, I- I'm sorry."

But no, I can't just leave it all inside me. By the time I opened my mouth to start the confrontation, I was already dancing at the brink of disaster – falling won't make this situation any worse than it already is.

"Iris, you can't blame yourself for every misfortune that happens." I didn't feel like being the one to lecture but I wasn't not sure if Iris really needed to be told straightforward or she was simply pretending. "It's life. Sometimes it's heavenly, sometimes it's shitty. And when it's being a dick, no one's responsible for it."

"You think so?! Then tell me this." Her voice rose – apparently reminding the atmosphere who the alpha is. "You had to quit the academic year because mom and dad left us with debts and I didn't have a job right away to keep you in school. Now why can't I hold myself responsible for that?"

"Because you can't, Iris! It all summed up to over a hundred dollars so even if you had a job back then, we still wouldn't be able to keep up paying for everything! Gosh, Iris! I know that you're hurting and I am too, but-,"

She didn't even let me finish my mini speech. "You just think that you know but you don't!"

I hate how we are verbally attacking each other right now.

"You don't know what it's like to see things crash down and realize that you're just standing there watching, doing nothing about it. You have no idea what it's like to spend every waking moment knowing how you're fucked up enough to mess up every little thing you lay your hands on."

Her voice started to break as she continued to strive speaking everything out in the fewest breaths that she could."You-, you lay down your head at night but you cannot sleep because you keep regretting all the wrong things you've done for the day. You keep re-living all your errors in the light of learning how you could have done better. It's tiring, Raleigh! I have no way of stopping myself from doing it every single night other than fooling myself… convincing myself that I am a new person everyday and that tomorrow, I will mess up less."

She started speaking in the tone of despair. "But the cycle never changed." She rested a hand on her forehead as she took a deep breath. "Eventually I give in and let myself rest for the night. But then the first thing I always have to do when I open my eyes in the morning, is to deliberate within me if whether I am already in my afterlife or still just breathing another sunrise in my reality. And-," She paused upon hearing her voice break a lot more. She placed a trembling hand over her lips as she fought the urge to cry.

"And-, before I even move another muscle, I get my answer – the same fucking answer every morning. I start to feel poison in my blood as yesterday's worries pull me into an embrace, welcoming me like I'm the prodigal son who returned to the place he will always belong. And then I just knew - that nothing had changed while I slept." She took a few deep breaths striving hard not to lose more control.

The next minutes were spent in total silence. And at long last, we reached the front of our house. As Iris turned off the engine, I decided to say my last word – fearing that I may never get the opportunity to corner her into conversations like this again. "Iris, I know everything."

"You don't." Her voice still shook.

"I do, Iris. I know your pain. When I see you spend time on bills that we cannot pay, when I don't see you every time you rename rest days to _'job-hunting-around-the-city days,'_ when I hear you sob through the thin wall that our rooms share… it kills me faster than this blood disease does."

"You're not dying." She immediately corrected.

"I am, Iris!" I bawled. "You always take a bullet for me and it destroys me because I cannot do anything about it! So don't you dare tell me that I don't know anything about hating myself for just watching things crash down before my eyes. Iris, I see you crash down all the time and it hurts to know that I am the cause of it. If only I had not gotten sick-,"

"No, Raleigh. Don't." She threw herself to hug me. She dislikes it when I bring up the topic about what could have been if I wasn't sick.

She cupped my face in her hands and looked straight into my eyes, "You'll be fine. I'll make sure of it, okay?" Tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Don't cry Iris. I don't like watching you cry." She chuckled at the sweet thought.

"Okay." She brushed her thumbs softly against my cheeks before grabbing the car key and her purse. "I'll make you your favorite pasta for dinner tonight."

I couldn't help but smile at the thought of it. Iris isn't the best cook in town but her pasta dishes are always a bomb.

As she went out the car, I heard my tummy growl. "Sure Iris, but what about lunch first?" I asked upon getting out of my seat.

"Hmm, want to grab something at _Pan Dre's_?" She offered, bringing back her radiant smile.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Pancakes? At this time of the day?"

She reached out a hand to hold mine. "Why not? I'm pretty sure you had an awful time with that egg sandwich you made this morning. _Pan Dre's_ will make up for it." She teased.

And just like that,- all seemed back to normal,_ for now_.

* * *

"You better remember my combo order, Iris."

She smirked, "What makes you think I'd forget?"

"Welcome to _Pan Dre's_," the waiter said as he held up a notebook and positioned his pen ready to write.

"Yes um, _Blueberry Combo B_ for him; _Salad Swing C_ for me." Iris squinted at the waiter who was busy jotting down notes.

"Ervin?" The waiter looked up to Iris as she called him by that name. He looked puzzled – apparently digging deep into memory lane on how he probably knew my sister in any way.

"It's me, Iris – from _Social Studies_ last year?" He was almost there to remember; Iris continued. "You lent me your _Parker_ when Doctor Hayman decided to have an on-the-spot post-test on Asian governments and I-,"

He finished the statement as he finally hit the memory, "-and you left yours at the quad during the debate after-party the night before."

Iris grinned as he recalled. "Yeah, glad you still remember."

He shook his head and looked down as he blushed. "How could I totally forget? I don't usually lend pens, but your blue eyes caught me off-guard." He chuckled – his cheeks getting on a deep shade of red.

So that's Ervin. The legendary Ervin is finally in the flesh. I didn't know he's from this town as well.

Iris mentioned him to me for the first time via phone conversation about a year ago. I remember him being described by Iris as tall, dark-haired, athletic-bodied, and a total charmer. But back then, she was so particular about how his hazel eyes _sparkled_. Was it why Iris mentioned loving _Social Studies_ despite its dreadful 4-hour lectures?

I stared and examined him as they talked. Yes, he does own a pair of hazel eyes. So what? I have hazel eyes! Mine are on a crisper palette of gold and bronze than his, actually! But Iris never said anything about how mine sparkled. Wow. I never thought puppy love could be funnier in college than in high school.

The Ervin figure my parents and I had ten months ago had a deeper impact than what seems to Iris as just a love interest. He was all what she talks about with mom on their weekly phone calls. With Iris talking about him in the merriest tone, mom had managed to keep her sanity. Hospitalization bills back then were starting to mount in pile. Being partly _glass-is-always-half-empty_ type (a pessimist like Iris but less), my mom was starting to lose it every night before bed. Dad had doubled his efforts to balance her out. He was supposed to be the _yin_ to her _yang_, but he wasn't enough. What snaps mom out of her worries was Iris.

Every time Iris tells her about how she enjoyed Ervin's company during_ Social Studies_, or how he would knock on her dorm and show up with her coffee order, or how he made amazing pneumonic patterns while they studied together in the library, mom's mood would change and stay as nice as it became for the  
rest of the day. And seeing mom free from the chains of my illness, I couldn't be more content. And I had Iris to thank for it. No, strike that; I had Ervin to thank for it.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Georgia? The semester started a few weeks ago, right?" Iris inquired.

"Yeah but my new schedule blessed me with only four school days. My Fridays and weekends are vacant, and school load doesn't weigh much yet 'till December so I can still manage to visit home every week." He chuckled. "Plus, my contract here at_ Pan Dre's_ is still on 'till the end of this month."

Ervin turned to my direction as I threw my forehead down to the table in despair for food. "Oh sorry," he gestures to the kitchen area. "I haven't relayed your orders yet. Later, Iris." He left our table.

"You okay, Raleigh?" Iris tried to duck and meet my eyes as I kept my forehead still smacked on the desk. I'm just really hungry right now.

"No one orders _Salad Swing C_ unless they're crazy or something," I mocked.

"So, I'm crazy or something?" She rested her chin on the ball of her left hand.

I sat up straight and leaned my head back to the chair. "No one in his right mind would order a salad with zero chicken content, or tuna flakes, or-,"

She rolled her eyes. "Vegan's the new trend, Raleigh." She giggled.

Before I could deride back, Ervin was back with a chair and sat with us. "So Iris, I never heard from you since you-" he gulped nervously, like he remembered a mysterious dark pit existing with Iris's sudden disappearance. "-since you ditched your report." He looked down in unease, hoping he hadn't knocked on a very sensitive topic.

"About that," Iris began. "I learned that our parents got into a car accident on the day of my _Social Studies _presentation. And the next day I went back here to make sure my brother's okay... been taking care of him ever since."

Ervin bit his lower lip. He let out a sigh before saying, "So a goodbye wasn't on your checklist before totally moving out?" He smiled sweetly.

Iris reached over to place her hand over his. "Ervin,"

"No, Iris. I was just kidding." He chuckled. "I'm sorry for what happened, though."

Oh the tension between these two. It's obvious that Iris still has that flame for him. Great! Ervin can you stay and bring back the sanity into my sister?

"Ooops!" Ervin glanced at his wrist watch. "Your orders should be up any moment now. I-," he pointed to the counter.

"Oh, sure." Iris blushed as she stared at him walking off with his chair.

"Damn," I sported a disgusted face. "You're still into him."

"Oh shut it Raleigh," she muttered.

I kept on my killer gaze and preyed on her blue eyes. And as expected, she went on with her ritual of intimidated mannerism. "Raleigh, stop staring at me like that!"

I smirked, taking so much pleasure in her expression.

"Fine!" She rolled her eyes. "I guess I still like him," she whispered.

I raised an eyebrow, "You guess?"

She rested a cheek on the ball of her right hand – distorting that half of her face cutely. With eyebrows meeting in annoyance, Iris looks like my 5-year old little sister who I just pissed by grabbing her favorite doll.

Her mood shifted swiftly as she shyly pursed her lips while her cheeks went deep red. She leaned in from across my seat - her arms folded on the table, "That was the gorgeous set of hazel eyes I was telling you before." She giggled.

For a few minutes Iris was like that – babbling Ervin's beauty to my face. By impulse, I would be screaming '_Someone get me out of this crazy shit about how Ervin is hand-crafted from heaven please_,' from the inside. But I sat still, just admiring how my sister's present carefree state is so striking, how it is so – her.

"And he plays tennis! Did you hear me? Tennis!" Iris exclaimed in immeasurable admiration.

Yes, I heard you the first five hundred times, Iris. But damn, she's really happy at this moment!

"He won the Sophomore Open back in-," Iris paused and stared past my head as if she's witnessing the _Twin Towers_ crumbling down. In curiosity, I turned to find out for myself.

_Fuck, no._

From a distance, there stood Ervin (whose elbows are propped back down against the counter), talking to a tall blonde. They seem very close. She leaned against him while he raised her left hand to admire the thumb ring she's wearing. Ervin kept placing light kisses on her temple.

Wow, someone's flirtatious at work.

As I turned my back on them, I saw Iris looking down, disappointed.

"Maybe we should call the manager, huh?" I teased.

She chuckled shortly at the joke. "That's-," she pursed her lips together. "That's Trish over there."

"You know her?" I asked in disbelief.

She glanced at the counter quickly before nodding. She sighed, "Yeah. I uh, took_ Social Studies_ and _Philosophy 102_ with her."

I realized my mouth fell open in confusion. "You guys-," I gestured my finger back and forth Iris and them, "friends or-,"

"You can say that." She chuckled. "We weren't that close though."

She's disappointed – I can tell. It's like in a click, her happy mood just disappeared.

"I should've known," she shook her head. "I had always suspected that she liked Ervin too back then."

Wait, seriously? A love triangle? Gross! Suddenly, why is everything running on like every second's lifted from a _rom-com_? Okay drop the comedy aspect, but still! If I were a screenwriter, I would pack my bags to _L.A._ and go knocking at _Touchstone Pictures_ while yelling _'Eureka! I found your million-dollar_  
_script!'_

We ate lunch silently. Iris was so down in the dumps.

_Gold hair with a gentle curl,_  
_that's the girl he chose,_  
_and heaven knows_  
_I'm not that girl..._

I could hear her sing those lyrics in her head. She always finds the time to hum _Wicked_ songs that match the present situation.

_Geez_, she must be really _in love_ with Ervin.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N.** I own absolutely nothing. I present to you the complete third chapter. R+R please! =D Thanks!_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

It's midnight already and I'm still awake. I've been on this bed for almost three hours now. I'm so damn tired; I want to rest already but my head won't let me. My mind is still firing up; it's driving me insane with all these thoughts about Iris.

The way Iris avoided the conversation earlier before heading to _Pan Dre's_ was something I anticipated. She always has her ways of diverting conversations when she's afraid to tap on some topics. I could hardly juice out the reasons behind her every frown, let alone the thoughts she tries to mask with smiles. And that is why I was kind of glad when she opened up about the burden of witnessing things as they crash down. The matter about waking up disappointed was just a bonus.

I didn't dare to try getting her to open up again after that trip earlier. I wanted my _Pan Dre's_ meal to be peaceful. Anyway, it was true that I had an awful time with that egg sandwich this morning.

* * *

**5 hours ago...**

"Raleigh! Dinner's almost ready!"

"Yeap! Coming!" I yelled from my room.

I threw my _PSP_ on my messy bed before sprinting to the dining area. Oh gosh, Iris's pasta smells so inviting! I sat down at the table where an empty plate waits patiently. Iris sprinkled some pepper while the heat from the stove bombed the area with such reviving food scent.

She grabbed my plate to the stove and dumped on it my share of the meal. And as she did, she started speaking in foreign accent, "This is the special _du jour_, is pasta _a la_ vegeta-,"

I broke it off before she made further failed attempts at being hilarious, "Um, okay wow. Iris um, that's a terrible Italian accent."

Still babbling French phrases, she walked across from the stove to the table, laying down my plate which is now decorated with Iris's specialty.

"And if it's French," I cut off. "Monsieur is not pronounced man sewer."

"Mon-see-yoor," she repeated.

"Iris, the first syllable shouldn't be as crisp as how you say _'Monday;'_ the _'-n'_ sound shouldn't be that obvious," I corrected her.

"Mo-shooor," she tried.

I rolled my eyes and slapped a hand to my face in frustration.

She sang a familiar tune in a theatrical tone, "Look mo-shooor, where all the children plaaaay!"

_Les Miserables_? Seriously?

Iris has an awesome singing voice but right now she's goofing around and it's really just annoying.

She switched to a silly impersonation of a manly voice, "Be at peace. Be at peace evermore."

"Iris," I tried to snap her out of it.

She sang starting it with an _A_, "My Cosette-" Then she returned to the low keys, "-Shall live in my protection."

"Oh god no, Iris-,"

"Take her now..."

"Iris, why are you-"

"Your child will want for nothing..." But she could not be stopped.

I grunted in annoyance and focused on starting to eat instead. As I gazed at my plate, I noted something unusual. Ignoring her singing, I complained, "Iris, there's no chicken in here." Did she forget or, did she forget? Chicken crumbles marinated in Asian spices make up the very core of this dish. Why do I see only veggies and scant Parmesan?

She stopped singing and tried to regain her senses. "You already had eggs this morning so you have to pass tonight." She went to get a plate and utensils of her own.

"Seriously Iris, it's not going to kill me to have some protein every now and then!" I exclaimed in disbelief. How am I supposed to enjoy this pasta without the main ingredient?

She threw an _'it's for your own good'_ face at me.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't remember Doctor Barden saying anything about how I should watch out for protein." I tried to explain. She sat with me at the table and started eating.

"Protein is actually what I need exactly. I mean in between chemo sessions, my good cells will need all the aid it can get to repair fast." Thank you, _WebMD_.

She was about to reply when her phone buzzed. She got off the desk to pick up the call.

I stared at her as she walked pass the door to entertain it. I eavesdropped from my seat, of course.

"Hello? Uh, speaking... Uh-huh... Oh... Okay... Well, uh, wait. Um, what about the hostess-position that you, you... the other day you interviewed me... Oh... Okay well, thank you... Thanks again."

Again, _fuck no_.

So that interview she was talking about earlier at _McKazee's_ turned out to be just another entry into Iris's long list of _'Things-I-Am-Unqualified-For'_. Oh no, not again. Her ninety nine percent success rate once again got tainted with inconsistency.

She returned to the table and ate.

I tried to make her open up a little, "Iris, was that the-,"

"Doctor Barden said you should watch out for dirty meat or poultry," she interrupted in an attempt to steer away from her present disappointment. There was no eye contact at all. She's obviously pissed right now. She used the Alpha tone again. It was so superior that it sounded almost monotonous. "And I'm not taking any risk of getting you infected so easy." She chewed her food fast. "Groceries aren't really sterilizing those things, so it is best that you're exposed much less instead."

Iris, _'dirty meat or poultry'_ means meat or poultry from infected animals, and not necessarily _'autoclaved'_ loins or wings. She's in a bad mood again; I can tell. That is why I kept my mouth shut and ate my food in silence, - afraid to unleash the _kraken_ inside Iris.**  
**

* * *

**Present time...**

Insomnia isn't really my thing. I had darker evenings but I always had managed to sleep before _1 am_. _Geez_, it's already a quarter past one and I still don't have any hint of sleepiness inside me.

Fuck being a teenager. Fuck being a _leukemic_ teenager. I know that in about ten years (if I even live that long), I'd laugh about all this being an issue. These are just simple life obstacles, yes I know, but just so the heavens forget - I'm just sixteen. Obstacles should be age-appropriate; mine obviously aren't. There are tons of teenagers out there who carry even heavier baggage on their backs, yes I know. Well did they also have big sisters who keep on setting all dilemmas aside as if they're just jigsaw pieces scattered on the floor?

Or maybe they are indeed just jigsaw pieces, you know? Maybe I only have misinterpreted the orientation of each puzzle piece; maybe there are other big pictures from it than what the puzzle box says it would become.

What if Iris got that job? That would've meant one less silent meal for both of us.

What if that dinner wasn't spent in total silence? I probably would be a little less bothered right now.

What if my mind was a little less bothered right now? Oh yes, I would've been snoring peacefully for about three hours and counting.

Ugh, why am I even in this crazy little circle of thoughts? Let me dig deeper.

What if mom and dad didn't die? Iris then, would've remained in college. Iris then, even would've made it through to the title _'Ervin's girlfriend'_. Iris would be blushing to sleep instead of crying to sleep.

What if Ervin and Iris got together? Oh right, my sister would've been this smiling little _'okay-maybe-the-glass-can-be-half-full'_ type of bitch. _Sorry sis, sarcasm's the new trend._ Ervin made her better back then. Wait, strike that. Ervin makes her better 'till now. The way Iris's face bloomed when she recognized the guy back in _Pan Dre's_ was magical. Everything was so gloomy then boom! Iris went into a deep shade of red.

I cannot say that a lot of things would've turned bright if it weren't because of the accident. The way I see it, either path offered rocky and muddy roads. It was just a matter of which one will give us the bumpier ride. So I guess it's just Iris that could have gone high to the skies if the accident never happened. Well it did, and now she's not the only who is getting damned while the boat sinks; obviously my ass too, is on board.

So is this my method of figuring out other big pictures from the jigsaw pieces? The world never works that way and we all know that. No matter how _Sherlock-ly_ I try to manipulate the orientation of these puzzle pieces, the sides were carved in those certain curves so I cannot really force two pieces to jive in like _Lego_ blocks if they weren't meant to behave that way.

The clock read that it's near three in the morning. That is it; I need air. Grabbing my favorite jacket and a bonnet, I tiptoed to our porch.

I stood still in the cold for what it seemed like twenty minutes. The thoughts didn't scoot; they remained stagnant and cloudy inside my head. And within those twenty minutes of stiffness, staring blankly at a distance, I was also preventing any of the thoughts that are desperate for contemplation, from getting hot on spotlight. But it would''t get me anywhere, would it?

I was about to let one in, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw two homeless boys walking, shivering on the street. I watched them as the taller one wrapped his arms around the little one while continuing on their walk. He removed the sweater he was wearing and let the small boy wear it.

Without much thinking, I went over to them. They paused when I went near.

"Hey," I greeted them with a smile, hoping it's going to make a cheerful impression. The taller boy just stared up to me while he rubbed his hands up and down the little one's shoulders.

"Hi," the small one said sheepishly.

I squatted to their eye level, "Where are you guys headed to?"

"Some place where we can sleep, I guess. We've been walking all night." The other boy answered.

"Is he your brother?" I asked, referring to the shy little one.

"Yes," he said, casting a smile.

I noticed his arms shiver. The noble thing to do right now is to give the boy my jacket, but I'm having second thoughts.

* * *

**10 months ago...**

"Raleigh, wake up." Mom said.

The nurse paid me visits every hour to check on me. I need sleep; maybe mom will get tired of asking me to wake up if I just ignore.

She playfully poked me as I kept my eyes closed. "Raleigh honey, wake up. I got you something."

I ended my pretense. Well who says _'no'_ to a gift, right? "For me?"

Mom nodded as she grinned. She handed over the package and when I opened it, my eyes widened. "The_ BlackStorm hoodie_ from _Holcomb's_?"

Mom smiled, "Merry Christmas!"

Oh hell no! Tell me this is not real! Tell me that I'm dreaming. Oh gosh, I've always wanted this jacket! Thank goodness for me, Christmas came a day earlier!

I didn't mean to be a kid, but I hugged the jacket while I blushed.

"Mom, I thought you needed the money for your phone's repair," my curiosity spoke. Last month when mom and I went to the mall, we passed by_ Holcomb's_ to buy dad something for his birthday. The _Blackstorm_ was on the display; I was admiring it for like – ten minutes. When mom snapped me out of my trance, I told her that I wanted it but she broke it down to me that her phone _drowned_ in the tub one time and she'll be using the extra money she had to have it fixed. I didn't know what she meant exactly by that but of course I understood that a phone is more important than some fabrics.

Mom shrugged her shoulders, "I don't need a phone that much. I mean, your dad's is still working fine so I can just – you know, borrow it in case I need to contact anybody."

I couldn't shake off my head that she sacrificed getting her phone fixed for this, "Mom, you really didn't have to do that. I can manage with some garage sale suit; it shields from cold just as good as _Holcomb's_ cotton."

"You used to stare at the display every time we walked by that store, Raleigh. And you told me yourself that you wanted it so bad." She leaned in to hug me.

I smiled. "I did. Thanks mom."

She kissed me on the cheek before pulling out of the hug.

"Where's dad?" I inquired.

"Oh he is just following up on your lab results. He left his phone with me, though." She gasped, "Oh I almost forgot!"

"What is it?"

She stood and walked over across the room as she reached into the pocket of her denim, "I haven't called Iris yet!"

I rolled my eyes. "Didn't she call yesterday?"

"She didn't. I did the dialing." She punched in the digits of Iris's number. "Plus, she told me yesterday that she won't be coming home for tomorrow. But well, maybe I'll succeed with last-minute convincing." She chuckled as she held the device up to her ear.

_Oh great._

* * *

**Present time...**

This jacket was mom's final Christmas gift to me. Since that 25th of December, this jacket has developed a sentimental value. It always reminds me of mom's love. I mean, for_ fuck's_ sake, she sacrificed the convenience of having a phone for this! It's my favorite memory of my mom; it's my favorite jacket.

"Sorry sir, but we really need to get going." The older boy politely said, his voice shaking in the cold.

"Oh. Uh, yea. Sorry I sort of slowed you guys down." I replied with a comforting smile.

They both smiled back before continuing walking. They have gone quite some steps away from me when I blurted out, "Wait."

The boys paused and turned to my direction. I took off my _Blackstorm_ as I jogged toward them. When I reached them, I wrapped it around the older boy. "You should have my jacket," I reluctantly spoke, before forcing a smile.

"Thank you, sir." The older boy greeted back with a happy grin.

"Call me Raleigh," I told them, only because I was''t sure of what to say further and because I have no idea why I gave it away.

"Thank you so much Raleigh." They walked off right after.

I just gave away the most important thing in the world for me. Why? The last thought that rushed through me was that it wouldn't matter much longer. It surprises me that the act wasn't out of pity or anything of that kind.

* * *

I returned into the house short after; it was ice-freezing outside. As I closed my bedroom door behind me, I had a quick look at the panorama of my filthy, ugly room. "What a fucking mess," I muttered.

I figured, if I slam myself to my bed once again, these troubling thoughts will be the end of me, so I took a few steps hoping that I land on a spot in my room that is like a safe haven. _Poof!_ I found myself standing before the vertical mirror beside my bed. I stared at the image I see in front of me. Months ago, every time I kept the same stance as this, I see an ill boy. But tonight, a lot has been modified on that ill boy. It's not just the leukemia that I see in the mirror; I also see disaster.

That's it. I am the cause of everything. I am the cause of Iris's destruction. I am the hurricane that shatters everything along the way and makes an awful mess out of it. Come to think of it. If I wasn't sick, Iris would still be in college and she would be less of a pessimist. If my blood weren't at all abnormal, even with the accident remaining real, Iris wouldn't be so close-minded - making things easier for us.

Tears pooled in my eyes. Fuck, no realization had been a tear-_jerker_ to me!

I hate what I see in the mirror. That boy was the root of all this. I'm hating him; he ruins everything by his existence.

_Sorry Iris, I did this to you._


End file.
